World Asks: Who the F*** Are Jon and Kate?

HOLLYWOOD — Over half of those surveyed stated they had no idea who Jon and Kate Gosselin where or why they were famous. 25% of the respondents believed the couple had something to do with television, but no one could remember seeing them outside of interview shows and news programs.

10% confused them with Sarah and Todd Palin and 5% thought they were the ones who kidnapped 13-year-old Jaycee Dugard and held her captive for 18 years.

3% thought Sarah and Todd Palin were Dugard’s kidnappers.

“Kate and Jon are famous for absolutely no reason,” asserted Miami Herald TV critic Hans Leber in a telephone interview. “They’re not entertainers, they’re not athletes, and they’re not industrialists. They haven’t cured AIDS, and as far as I can tell, they have very low IQs.”

Despite appearances by the Gosselins on talk shows, in the tabloids, and as printed answers in the K-6 edition of Trivial Pursuit, Leber said he has not found “one shred of evidence” that anything they have done justifies their notoriety, and can’t imagine why anyone is interested in them.

“If they were characters on a soap opera,” he added, “they would have been killed off long before the first commercial.”

When asked about their pending divorce, Leber stated he “couldn’t care less.”

“I have no interest in Jon or Kate, whatsoever,” he said, “but I do hope she gets custody of the kids and takes that asshole for everything he’s worth. I can’t stand how he treats her; she’s too good for him.”

Leber said he would keep his eyes glued to the TV “with the rest of the brain-dead American audience” to see how it all plays out.

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