Haiti to Replace Missionaries with Jews

Haiti Needs Jews

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — Haitians are asking the world to stop sending missionaries to their devastated country, and send Jews instead.

Thousands of Haitians crowded around the crumbling remains of the National Palace, carrying signs that read, “Jews, Now!” and “Zionism for Haiti!”

For Haitians, it’s not a religious matter, but one of selecting an organization that will help their country enter the 21st Century. “To be honest, we’d be happy to be in the 19th century at this point,” lamented one woman. “We need the Jews. They’ve been there before; they know how to build things that last — like that beautiful stone wall in Jerusalem.”

Deputy Mayor Claude Renault agreed. “For centuries we’ve welcomed the Christians into our country,” he said “and where has it gotten us?  Our conditions have worsened to the point where in the aftermath of an earthquake, you look around and it’s really hard to tell the difference.”

Renault said their half of the tiny island they share with the Dominican Republican could easily be turned into another land of “milk and honey.”

“The Jews found themselves on a similar, barren parcel of land,” he noted, “and 60 years later they even have their own indoor malls.”

While plans are underway to lure Jews to the island, hostility toward missionaries grows daily. “The Christians promised us an afterlife of eternal bliss,” explained a man who was wearing a wooden Star-of-David dangling from his neck. “Screw that. I want my bliss now and I want to share it with my family in a beautiful house with a toilet.”

Renault agreed. “We appreciate the care packages and bottles of water,” he said, “but please also send us some Jews.”

“Jews, Jews, Jews,” chanted the crowd.

The State of Israel was preparing to answer the request by sending over a team of Orthodox Rabbis and 300 horticulture experts from Tel Aviv University.

Their efforts were met with boisterous opposition, however, from the Palestinians, who claim Haiti as one of their historical homelands and promised to flatten the country should the Israeli “occupiers” ever show up.


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