VATICAN CITY—Announcing new guidelines on child abuse, Pope Benedict XVI said all priests have been instructed to “pull out” before climaxing.
“In the holy relationship between priest and underage parishioner,” declared the Pope in a statement on his website, “no transgression shall be deemed without the exchange of bodily fluid.”
The Vatican defended its new policy in a press conference Tuesday, saying it will replace the dated “Don’t Ask, Don’t Sodomize.”
“If I just brush up against your hand, is that a sin?” asked Vatican lead counsel Monsignor Bellagossi, as he gently stroked his fingers on the face of a nearby reporter. “Of course not. What if I flick my tongue gingerly across your cheek? Nonsense. It’s just a piece of skin touching another piece of skin.”
According to Bellagossi, recent allegations of molestation have been summarily discredited. “Under these rules, there is no evidence of any priest abuse of children under the age of six months in any non-Church owned property,” he claimed.
Not all priests favor the new decree, including Father Keith DeWangle of the Archdiocese of Kansas City, who scoffed at the idea of sodomy without completion, comparing it to eating a tuna sandwich without mayonnaisse. “If we can’t get that special — you know — feeling,” he lamented “then it’s all just a big tease. I expect a lot of my colleagues will be retiring over this.”
Bellagossi believes parents are partly to blame for the rise in abuse allegations, by not supervising how their sons dress when attending mass.
“Those silky vestments colored in sensuous hues of black –” he sighed. “It really tests one’s celibacy.”