LOS ANGELES (TheSkunk.org) — Republican Gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman today said she had no prior knowledge of a smuggling operation that brought over 6000 illegal immigrants into the country from a hole underneath her living room sofa.
According to an official with the U.S. Department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the hole is the exit point of a tunnel that connects the former CEO’s “ugly $200,000 couch” to an abandoned warehouse in Tijuana.
Whitman, who promised voters she will be tough on illegal immigration should she get elected in November, denied any involvement in the usage of her multi-million dollar estate for the trafficking of undocumented workers, telling reporters that she thought the four-foot diameter hole was something “all Californian’s had in their homes to protect themselves from earthquakes.”
“I’d see all these Hispanic people wandering around my property from time to time,” recounted Whitman, “but I just assumed they were friends of my maid. I never expected there was anything illegal going on.”
Whitman said she was “shocked and stupefied” upon learning that her private residence had been functioning for the last ten years as the largest illegal alien smuggling operation in world history, and she accused the Jerry Brown campaign of digging the 900 mile tunnel as a “distraction to the real issues facing Californians.”
The Brown campaign vehemently denied the allegations, and produced a document allegedly written by Whitman to her husband that suggested she knew about the tunnel as far back as 2007. The note read: “Need to stop endless stream of Mexicans entering our house through hole in floor.” According to FBI records, there is no doubt the handwriting is Whitman’s.
Whitman tried to turn the situation into a powerful campaign message. “This is an example of what can happen if we remain oblivious to the immigration problem,” she said, “and highlights the very serious need to stop exporting shovels into Mexico.”