MIAMI (TheSkunk.org) — A man with a fleshy, cylindrical apparatus dangling from his groin was arrested today as he tried to board a plane destined for New York. The firm, yet malleable, pickle-shaped object was detected by a full-body scan of the suspect as he tried to enter the boarding area.
TSA screeners who reviewed the scan described the device as an “8-inch long, fleshy thing” suspended between the suspect’s thighs.
Authorities initially noticed “unusual behavior” by the suspect as he waited to go through security.
“He had suspicious body language,” explained TSA agent Bob V. Krussellderf. “His hand was down the front of his pants, and he seemed to be moving something from side to side, as if making some kind of adjustment.”
After pulling the man out of line, Krussellderf subjected him to a vigorous full-body pat-down. “We stretched the waistband of his underwear out just enough to get a peek see, and that’s when we discovered the device,” said Krussellderf. “There were these vein-like blue wires molded into the sides of its shaft, travelling upward in vein-like patterns toward what appeared to be a miniaturized, pinkish warhead.”
Closer inspection revealed the technology behind the device to be highly sophisticated. “It had the ability to morph itself at will — altering its length and width without warning. I could feel it pulsating – one might say, ‘throbbing,’ even – as I ran my curious fingers gently up and down the length of its shaft.”
According to Krussellderf , the suspect appeared to derive great pleasure at having his concealed weapon explored by the strong and experienced, yet curious hands of the security officials.
The astute agent subsequently noticed a small amount of fluid leaking from the tip of the warhead. “I ran my finger over it, then put it to my tongue,” he said. “It didn’t taste like toothpaste or shampoo, or anything else we were trained to identify back at the Academy.”
Krussellderf believes the substance to be high-end lubricant, but not one that can be obtained on the international black market. “It was most likely produced internally,” he surmised.
TSA Administrator John Pistole used the incident as an example of how the system is working. “The exploding groin device could have blown the plane to Kingdom Come,” he said, “but thanks to full-body scans, intrusive pat-downs and the 180 hours of training each of our agents receives, we were able to detect the tiny warhead attached to the veiny pulsating shaft attached to the suspect’s crotch before it could detonate.”
“Fortunately, the stiff, throbbing tool concealed in his pants wasn’t able to penetrate our tight checkpoint,” added Krussellderf.
Because little is known about the materials used by the Groin Bomber, or how many others have access to this technology, the TSA has announced additional security procedures. Beginning Monday, all domestic airport passengers will be required to undergo a thorough oral screening.
Krussellderf estimates that should add and another 15 seconds to twenty minutes to the check-in process.
If convicted, the Groin Bomber could spend between 25 years and life in a federal prison.
“I hope he doesn’t get off easy,” added Krussellderf. “When you devote your life to catching scum, you just hate to see an early release.”