WASHINGTON — The recent compromise bill that raised the country’s debt ceiling and cut over $917 billion in spending, with additional cuts to be determined by a12-person joint “super-committee,” has left Tea Party congressional members scratching their heads in bemusement.
“I’m not sure I voted the way I should have, because I couldn’t really understand the wording,” said Rep. Jeff Landry. “I mean, it didn’t even say how many poor people will die because of this legislation. Who writes these things?”
“I want a do-over,” demanded a flummoxed Rep. Michael Burgess. “I really thought we were voting on the impeachment of President Obama. When I learned that it was actually a bill to raise the debt ceiling and that Obama was in favor of it, I could have kicked myself. I knew I should have voted ‘No.'”
“It’s left me in a quandary,” said Rep. Lynn Jenkins. “If half of us Tea Partiers voted for it, and the other half against it, did we remain true to our irrational extremist values?”
“And what the hell is a ‘super-committee,’ anyway?” pondered Landry. “I didn’t see that anywhere in the bill.”
“I only supported the legislation because it had a ‘trigger’ in it,” noted Burgess, “and any legislation that let’s you shoot things is okay in my book.”
“We promised our constituents no taxes, less spending and smaller government,” said Rep. Doug Lamborn, “but when they throw other words in like ‘discretionary appropriations’ and ‘sequestration’ and stuff like that, I’m not sure which way I’m voting.”
Even Lamborn’s staffers were unable to explain the bill to him. “And they were all home-schooled,” he noted.
“I’m, like, the biggest idiot with math,” added Lamborn. “I thought casting a vote in Congress would be a lot more black and white — like a tar baby standing next to something white.”