WASHINGTON — After three years of having congressional Republicans do the opposite of whatever he attempted, President Obama decided to use reverse psychology on the GOP to get them to move forward with his agenda.
In a meeting with Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, Obama pleaded with them not to pass the “American Jobs Act.”
“This is a rotten bill and I don’t want members or the House or Senate to pass it,” said the President. “I don’t want to see all these middle class Americans put back to work and I certainly don’t want to extend the payroll tax holiday.”
McConnell and Boehner glanced at each other with a knowing smile. “So you’re saying you don’t want us to pass this jobs bill?” asked McConnell. “You want us to vote ‘No’ on it?”
“You’re damn right,” Obama responded. “If this bill passes — especially if it passes in its entirety — it’s sure to make me a one-term president.”
“A one-term president,” repeated McConnell, trying to contain his giddiness. “You don’t say.”
Boehner raised an eyebrow and smiled. “So, if we kill this bill,” he asked, “it will be good for you politically?”
“Yes. Yes. Rip it up and throw it out,” demanded Obama. “I never want to see or hear anything about that horrible Jobs Act again.”
“Remember,” Obama told them, as he rose from his chair and started for the door, “whatever you do — vote ‘No’ on the jobs legislation that I gave you.” He stopped before exiting the room. “And one last thing: I don’t want any credit for the foreign policy successes I’ve achieved in the last couple of years. I don’t want to be thanked for making America safer, I don’t want to be praised for eliminating Osama bin Laden or Moammar Kaddafi, and I don’t want to be congratulated for bringing our troops home from Iraq, do you understand?”
As Obama exited, McConnell whispered softly under his breath, “Oh, we understand, Mr. President. We understand real well.” He turned to Boehner with a glint in his eye. “We have to pass that bill,” he said. “We must pass ‘The American Jobs Act’ in its entirety, just as the President sent it to us.”
“The House will have it done first thing in the morning,” said Boehner, “and then we’ll send it to the Senate.”
“I’ll have the final bill on his desk by the end of the day,” said McConnell. “Oh he’s going to be so pissed, when he finds out we did the exact opposite of what he wants.”
“And then,” said Boehner, “I’m issuing a proclamation, praising the President for ending the war in Iraq.”
“F*ck that,” laughed McConnell. “Let’s proclaim Wednesday ‘President Obama Day.'”
“Long live Barack Obama!! declared Boehner.
“Long live Barack Hussein Obama!” repeated McConnell.
The two men got up on the sofa, danced a jig and kissed each other on the mouth. “Wait a minute,” said Boehner as he pulled away. “Do you think he suspects anything? I mean, do you think he realizes that all we’ve been doing for the last three years is just the opposite of whatever he does or says?
“Are you kidding?” asked McConnell. ” The man’s oblivious. 2012 is our year, baby! We’ll take the White House and both chambers of Congress, and we’ll get rid of taxes and regulations and poor people.”
“And Obama will be a one-term president,” added Boehner, with a wink, “just like some very wise senator predicted.”