MIAMI (TheSkunk.org) — Since its mysterious sinking in 1632, the location of Spanish galleon “La Marincona” had eluded generations of scholars. Then Matt Hardy, an underwater explorer with attention deficit disorder, discovered the legendary vessel.
“We couldn’t believe how much of it was still intact,” said Hardy. “Although the planks had deteriorated some, you could still make out the ship’s name emblazoned across the stern.”
Unfortunately, Hardy forgot to record the location of the sunken ship and can’t remember where he found it. “I was going to write down the coordinates,” he said, “but then I got hungry.”
By the time he had prepared a ham and Swiss sandwich for himself, Hardy said he “completely forgot what I was doing.”
“That sandwich was so good,” he said, “I decided to make one for each member of the crew.”
With fuel running low, Hardy ordered their submersible back to port.
Photographs and video taken of the shipwreck reveal what could be millions of dollars in gold bullion and Spanish doubloons — treasures that may very well remain hidden in their rotting seabed crypt for another four centuries.
“I glanced only briefly at the instrumentation, but didn’t commit it to memory,” admitted Hardy, who had been at sea for weeks and came upon the wreckage completely by accident. “I remember looking for a pencil and thinking, ‘We should really keep some sort of container on the bridge for pencils.'”
Hardy has been severely depressed since the incident, blaming himself for what he calls “a stupid mistake.”
“But that mustard was so damn good,” he recalled. “It came from Trader Joe’s — I remember the label had their logo on it with that distinctive red font.”
The crew, who had worked over a year to prepare for the trip, was “stunned beyond belief” when they realized they would have to start from square one if they ever wanted to see the Marincona again. “We appealed to him to hire a competent navigator,” said First Mate Anthony Erwin, “but he wanted to do everything himself. You can’t be captain, navigator, and coxswain, while at the same time preparing lunch for everyone. I just don’t get it.”
Erwin said he has pleaded with Hardy to “focus and try to remember” where they had discovered the infamous ship, but Hardy seems to have completely lost interest in the venture.
“It was fun finding the ancient wreckage and looking at something no one had seen for hundreds of years,” noted Hardy, “but I’ve decided to move on to something else.”
That “something else” is chicken farming, a hobby that grabbed his attention when he first learned about it on the Discovery Channel. He has since turned his backyard into a giant chicken coop, complete with nesting boxes, the latest ventilation technology, and hundreds of the clucking fowls.
“There’s something about chickens I find fascinating,” he said, stepping precariously over scattered chicken droppings. “I can’t remember exactly what it is, but I’m sure I’ll think of it.”
When asked if he would ever return to the fascinating world of deep-sea exploration, Hardy replied, “I won’t rule anything out. If the circumstances are –”
Hardy’s eyes suddenly refocused to something off in the distance. “Oh look, a chicken!”
Reacting quickly, he picked up his iPhone to search the Internet for a way to catch a runaway hen and was immediately distracted by a pop-up ad for “El Pollo Loco.”
“By the way, I found this great new mustard at Trader Joe’s,” he said. “Can I make you a sandwich?”
He headed toward the kitchen, pausing briefly to survey the poultry occupying his backyard.
“I wish I didn’t have all these chickens.”