BATON ROUGE (TheSkunk.org) — There is good news for people who put ketchup on everything they eat. Researchers have discovered that excessive use of the thick tomato goop may actually help you live longer.
“For years, people who pour large amounts of ketchup on everything they consume – not just the usual things like burgers and fries, but salad, cereal, toast, corn-on-the-cob, cottage cheese, yogurt, bananas, pizza, Jell-O, spareribs, cake, pie, pudding – were scoffed at as being somehow uncouth or lacking in good taste,” said Ellis Roudargen of the National Ketchup Institute. “These results offer total vindication that smothering your food with this great-tasting product will lead to a healthier, longer life.”
The study tracked the health and ketchup consumption habits of more than 400,000 older adults for nearly 30 years and found that ketchup users were less likely to die than their sophisticated, condescending counterparts. In fact, men and women who went through four or five bottles of ketchup per week had the lowest risk of death, according to a report in Thursday’s edition of Condiment Weekly, a trade publication for the ketchup, mustard and relish industry.
“People who like to envelop their food with the red sweetness of processed tomato pulp are often considered lowlifes, incapable of offering anything to society other than an occasional garage sale or memorable performance on ‘The People’s Court,'” noted Roudargen. “To the contrary, the research indicates these folks are on the cutting edge of medical technology.”
“The study proves what most ketchup users have believed all along,” he added, “that dousing your filet until it’s completely hidden from view is a life-altering experience.”