Lawmakers Consider Banning Heterosexuals from Military

WASHINGTON ( — With ongoing investigations into allegations that top military officials engaged in inappropriate contact with members of the opposite sex, Congressional lawmakers are considering an all-out ban on heterosexuals serving in the armed forces.

CIA director David Petraeus, a revered four-star general, resigned from his position last week after admitting to an extra-marital affair. Gen. John Allen, the lead U.S. commander in Afghanistan, is currently under investigation for inappropriate communications with a female civilian. These recent scandals, along with other accusations of improper testosterone-driven conduct, have outraged members of Congress, who claim the military is no place for unrestrained heterosexual behavior.

Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) called upon his colleagues on Capitol Hill to implement a policy of weeding out straight service men and women to restore morale among the troops.  “It’s unacceptable for straight male officers to shower together after having had sex with each other’s wives,” stated Frank, who is noted for being the first openly gay member of Congress. “It’s clearly a security risk, and by banning all heterosexuals we can ensure our military remains uncompromised.”

Frank said he is realistic enough to know Congress would never agree to a total ban.

“I realize this would create an all-gay army, and that would not go over too well,” he added, “but I think there might be enough support to institute a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Screw Someone Else’s Wife’ policy to keep the heterosexuals in line.”