Scott Pruitt Used Staff to Purchase, Apply Anal Bleaching Cream
EPA Chief Scott Pruitt instructed his staff to locate and purchase a particular brand of anal bleaching cream for his personal use.
WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) – Embattled EPA Chief Scott Pruitt is being investigated for yet another scandal. This time, the planet-hating cabinet member instructed his staff to locate and purchase a particular brand of anal bleaching cream for his personal use.
“When my anus is clean and white, and free of tiny hairs and other debris,” he explained to a Senate oversight committee, “I can better negotiate with my corporate sponsors the exfoliation of the Earth’s resources.”
“This stuff is amazing,” noted Pruitt. “It goes on really easy. In fact, it takes my assistant only 20 minutes to apply it to my entire anal area, including the adjacent taint.”
Pruitt learned about anal bleaching from Newt Gingrinch, who has long held that a “bright white anus” is an expression of religious freedom. Gingrich told Pruitt that In addition to all the other benefits, anal bleaching “makes it easier to wipe after taking a dump.”
“It’s one thing to be a Trump sycophant,” he joked, “but a stinkophant – no one wants that!”
Pruitt starts each morning showing off his shiny whitewashed anus to his colleagues in the White House. “I’ve even convinced [Secretary of State Mike] Pompeo and [Chief of Staff John] Kelly to join me on this journey.” He imagines a day where the entire cabinet gathers for weekly “anal bleaching parties.”
The former Oklahoma Attorney General expressed his disappointment at the backlash he has been receiving. “Why is this even an issue?” he asked. “The American people should be proud that the anuses in this administration are completely white.”
