CUPERTINO, CA — Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain told reporters today that when he passes away, he will be missed “way more” than Apple CEO Steve Jobs.
Commenting on the death of the admired tech inventor and digital guru, Cain, the former CEO of the Godfather’s Pizza chain, recounted his own record of contributions to humanity.
“I’m not discounting Mr. Jobs for inventing the iPhone and iPad — those are very useful items,” said Cain, “but I was the one who came up with the pepperoni and sausage Value Pie for 6.99.”
He contends that a grieving, post-Herman Cain nation will forever be indebted to his 9-9-9 plan — and not the one dealing with taxes. “It originally referred to another one of my breakthroughs: a nine-inch pizza with nine toppings for nine dollars. You can’t beat that for ingenuity. Besides, an iPad costs five-hundred dollars. You do the math. Who do you think will be loved more?”
Cain is confident he will also be remembered by future generations for devising a new method of cleaning a restaurant table. “Busboys traditionally took a rag and wiped in a clockwise rotation,” he noted, making a sweeeping motion with his hand. “I turned it around by saying that at Godfather’s we will only wipe counter-clockwise. There are a lot of imitators today, but at that time, no one else was doing it in that particular direction.”
In addition, Cain claims to have revolutionized the very way pizza is thought about. “There was a time when people only knew ‘thin crust,’ ‘regular’ and ‘deep dish.’ Then I came up with ‘Jumbo,’ and the industry has never been the same.”
Compared to himself, Cain considers Jobs a “junior-weight” in the area of innovation. “Today, you take it for granted when you see a coupon in a newspaper offering a free medium 1-topping pizza with the purchase of any large. That was my concept. I brought that to the world. F*ck the iMac.”
“Long after I’m gone,” said Cain, “millions of pizza fans will be left wondering what innovative marketing gimmicks I would have come up with to sell more pizzas, or what exciting new methods I would have employed to apply extra olives to a three-cheese pie, if only I had been given more time.”
“In twenty, thirty years, no one’s going to know what an iPhone was,” he added. “But when they think of organized crime and a round circle of baked dough, they will remember Herman Cain.”
Herman Cain is a typical repuglican: a legend in his own mind and a useless moron. He thinks 9 inch pie with 9 toppings for 9 bucks can’t be beaten for ingenuity, LOL!! What makes that more ingenious than say a 12 inch pie with 12 toppings for 12 bucks? Is it because the price, diameter and toppings are all the same number? My dog has streaks of brilliance greater than that. And compared to Jobs’s understanding of math, digital electronics and programming, 9-9-9 is a joke. Same with his Value Pie. Any fool can dream up crap like that. What really takes the cake is that he thinks wiping a table counter-clockwise is more creative or smarter than clock-wise wiping. It doesn’t get more retarded than that. If Cain should end up president he will undoubtedly steal from G.W. Bush the distinction of being the stupidest president there ever was. And his pizza tastes like sh1t.