House Changes U.S. Motto to 'Buyer Beware'

WASHINGTON — The House voted along party lines today to pass a GOP resolution changing the motto of the United States to “Buyer Beware.”

The phrase in Latin is “Caveat Emptor,” and will replace “E Pluribus Unum” (“From Many, One”) on all currency, coinage and government documents.

According to Speaker John Boehner, the new adage is the first step toward the total deregulation of business and industry in the country.

“‘Buyer Beware’ makes it very clear to consumers that it’s their responsibility to avoid being victimized,” explained Boehner. “American citizens need to understand that every company with which they do business has the potential to screw them out of their life savings, and they shouldn’t turn to Washington to protect them.”

Boehner said that it’s part of the normal process of a healthy free enterprise system, when unfettered by government regulations, to “allow corporations the freedom to utilize any deceptive practices they deem necessary to make a profit.”

“If some company cheats you out of all your money,” he said, “then ‘Buyer Beware’ — you’ll know not to do business with them again.”

Majority Whip Eric Cantor agreed. “It’s not the Federal government’s job to protect citizens from unethical dealings,” he stated. “Each of us bears a responsibility to look out for ourselves. If a company steals your money, then ‘Buyer Beware’ — perhaps that means you didn’t deserve to have that money in the first place.”

“We need to stop treating business owners like criminals,” declared Boehner. “We should let the Enrons and Bernie Madoffs in this country thrive in a capitalistic environment where they can say and do anything they want to increase profits, in the spirit of ‘Buyer Beware.'”

“If your son dies because of tainted food he ate at a restaurant, don’t blame the owner of the restaurant,” noted Cantor. “‘Buyer Beware’ — as a parent, it’s your job to inspect and test all the food your child eats.”

“If a family member dies in a horrific plane crash, caused by poor maintenance of the airplane, don’t blame the airline,” added Boehner. “‘Buyer Beware’ — blame yourself for not doing a complete and thorough mechanical inspection of the aircraft before boarding.”

According to Cantor, if someone dies from breathing polluted air, “don’t blame the factory pumping contaminents into the atmosphere — blame an education system that does a poor job in teaching our children about capitalism.”

“‘Buyer Beware,'” he said.

“‘Buyer Beware,'” repeated Boehner.

“This ‘We the People’ mentality is very un-American,” complained Cantor. “This idea that the federal government exits to somehow insure domestic tranquility and promote the general welfare is antithetical to the ideals of our Constitution and our Founding Fathers.”

When asked how the new motto will help decrease unemployment in the country, Boehner sighed and shook his head. “If you’ve been unemployed for two or three years and you’re looking for a job, but can’t find one,” he said, “don’t blame us — the people you sent to Congress — for not solving the problem. Blame yourself for not learning more about the competency, intelligence and integrity of the candidates before you cast your vote.”

Added Cantor: “‘Buyer Beware.'”