New Report: Patience No Longer a Virtue

ARLINGTON, VA (TheSkunk.org) — After reviewing the results of a nationwide study, the American Psychiatric Association has removed “patience” from its list of virtues in the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

“We used to think it was virtuous to just sit around and wait for stuff to happen,” said Dr. Jonathan Clickenbay, APA Communications Director, “but we know a lot more about virtue today than ever before, and it’s clear that patience doesn’t fit the profile.”

Since the DSM was first published in the 1860s, “patience” has been near the top of the list of virtues, just below “honesty.” But beginning Monday, the word will no longer be found anywhere in the book.

Impatience is the new norm, according to Clickenbay, who began his career in the mental health field in the 1980s. “Half my male clients are premature ejaculators,” he revealed, “and I encourage it. Foreplay? Are you kidding? Who has the time?”

Clickenbay said that in his experience, people who exhibit an overabundance of patience are usually bipolar. “There’s nothing virtuous about having a mental disease and being a big pain to your family.”

“In today’s fast-paced society, being patient is nothing to brag about,” he reflected. “You want your double espresso latte and you want it now, and it’s okay that you want it now. Fuck your patience. My A.D.D. trumps your patience. Kiss my ass with your patience. I need my caffeine.”

Clickenbay admits there are a few circumstances where he would deem patience as an acceptable behavior.

“Dead people are patient,” he added. “But I wouldn’t call them ‘virtuous.'”