Moviegoer Unwilling to Suspend His Disbelief
SAN DIEGO — Collin McArthur has never enjoyed going to a movie because he finds the characters and stories on the screen completely unbelievable, calling the whole experience “just a big waste of time.”
Braddon Mendelson
Cheap Bastards Unaffected by Recession
WASHINGTON, DC — While the shaky economy has forced most Americans to cut back on their day-to-day living expenses, the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis reported that cheap bastards carry on as though nothing has changed.
Palin Pronounced Brain-Dead
WASILLA — Alaskan Governor Sarah Plain was pronounced brain-dead Friday after reporters found her outside her Wasilla home, mumbling incoherently.
Tito Jackson Seeks to Replace Brother as 'King of Pop'
LOS ANGELES — Tito Jackson declared himself the new King of Pop today, promising to fill the void in fans’ hearts left by the death of his superstar younger brother.
Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams Slighted in Jackson Will
HOLLYWOOD — Performers Diahann Carroll and Leslie Uggams expressed their indignation today at being excluded from Michael Jackson’s will.
Jackson's Black Body Also Found Dead
LOS ANGELES — In a sad turn of events, the black body of Michael Jackson was found dead Wednesday, less than a week after his white one departed.
Gov. Sanford Sent Same Sex Letter to all Mistresses
Gov. Sanford sent the same sex letter to all his mistresses, and boy are they pissed.
IOUs Become Official Currency of California
SACRAMENTO — Governor Schwarzenegger today declared that IOUs will be the new currency of the State of California.
After Recount, Ahmadinejad Has 110% of Vote
TEHRAN — After an exhaustive recount of the election results, the Iranian ruling clerics have determined that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won their country’s election by a far greater margin than previously indicated, winning 110 % of the vote.
Madoff Looks Forward to Life After Prison
NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic about life after prison.
