“The time has come when we must let go of the values we held dear from our past and embrace new ones,” said Obama, “values that will be instilled into each of us by our new Supreme Leader at a time and place of his choosing.”
“People want the GOP to stop using the same old typeface,” explained Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, “and replace it with something that is more visually alluring.”
North Dakota became the first state on Monday to pass fetal firearm legislation, which extends 2nd Amendment rights to the unborn.
“As a private organization, we can legally discriminate against anyone,” said BSA Executive Vice President Leonard Moffatt. “For example, if we thought the Jewish boys were getting too powerful, we could ban them altogether.”
According to a senior adviser, Romney was “shellshocked” upon learning that he lost the papacy to Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now known as Pope Francis.
Paul said the purpose of his marathon urination session was to delay the vote on the confirmation of John Brennan as CIA director, by “making the Senate floor really uncomfortable to walk on.”
NRA chief Wayne LaPierre proposed eliminating the minimum age requirement for purchasing firearms.
NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre told reporters Thursday that he is “absolutely terrified” by guns and has never fired one in his entire life.
Producers of the Academy Award nominated film Argo have decided to use digital technology to replace Ben Affleck with another, better actor.
An unemployed bartender who watched the entire Dorner investigation on TV was the recipient of the $1 million reward.
