Hawaii Insists It’s 'No Paradise'
HONOLULU — Troubled by its reputation as a tropical paradise, Hawaii is on a quest to change its image with a series of commercials showing the depraved side of the Aloha State.
Skunk Nation
NRA Donates Guns to Grade-Schoolers
The National Rifle Association plans to distribute free handguns to seven million American school children in grades K-3 as part of their 2nd Amendment education program, “Bang Bang, it’s Your Right!”
Congressman Legalizes Pot for Himself
WASHINGTON, DC — Congressman Sal Dennison (D-OH) successfully inserted an amendment into a House bill, which would legalize marijuana for his own personal use.
Insurance Lobby Denies Pay to Heckler Due to ‘Pre-Existing Ignorance’
BOZEMAN, MT — A powerful insurance lobby today denied compensation to a man it hired to disrupt a town hall meeting on healthcare reform, asserting that he had “pre-existing ignorance.”
Palin Baby to Be Sacrificed to Volcano Gods
ANCHORAGE — Sniglet Palin, three-year-old daughter of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, is scheduled to be thrown into Mt. Redoubt, a 10,197-foot active volcano 103 miles west of Anchorage, to please the fire gods.
Man Gets Cash for Clunker Wife
BUTTE, MO — Due to a loophole in the federal “Cash for Clunkers” program, local dentist Halman Johnson was able to bring his wife of twenty-two years into the local Ford dealership and walk away with $4500 cash and a 2010 Escort Cabriolet hybrid.
Home Sales Up by 11 Homes
WASHINGTON — The month of July saw an increase in single-family home sales nationwide by a total of 11. The 11 homes were sold in California, New Mexico, New Jersey, and Guam.
North Korea Prepares to Launch Tinker Toys, Legos
WASHINGTON, D.C. — North Korea is preparing to launch a missile armed with Tinker Toys and red Legos, according to the U.S. State Department.
Obama Regrets Use of Term ‘Douche Bag’ in Reference to Elderly Crosssing Guard
WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview on Face the Nation, President Obama regretted using the term “douche bag” when referring to a local 80-year-old crossing guard.
Secluded Republican Voter Thinks 2000 Presidential Campaign is Still Going On
Anthropologists from the University of Ohio discovered a Republican voter isolated deep in the Appalachian hills who thinks the 2000 presidential campaign is still going on.
