WASHINGTON — The Federal Reserve today announced it will be giving 14 billion dollars to Thomas Shale, a blue collar textile worker from Knoxville. Mr. Shale had fallen into tremendous, unmanageable debt over the last three years and was on the brink of financial ruin.
“I went a little overboard creating my home theater and media center,” said Shale. “Now I owe thirteen thousand dollars on my two platinum Mastercards, and there’s no way I could ever pay it back — not with my shitty salary.”
That’s when the federal government stepped in. “It would be a real hit to this economy to let Mr. Shale slip into bankruptcy,” said Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve. “This man entered into some bad deals with shady credit card companies, not realizing they could jack his interest rate to 35% without warning.”
At a speech in Michigan, Senator Obama called the transaction an “irresponsible government bailout.”
But Bernanke defended the decision. “The government has a responsibility to prevent the downward economic spin Mr. Shale’s predicament would no doubt create. This is not a bailout; this is an investment to help the whole Shale family get back on their feet.”
Senator McCain agreed. “It’s in line with my own economic plan,” he explained, “to send each and every man, woman and child a 14 billion dollar rebate check to do with as they please. I believe the American people know how to squander the trillions of dollars we’ve borrowed from other countries better than Washington does.”
Mr. Shale expressed his gratitude to the federal government for his newly acquired financial independence. “Now I’ll be able to pay off my debt and get the kind of speakers I need to get true cinema quality sound,” he said. “And maybe — just maybe — I’ll finish that Bridge-to-Nowhere they started up in Alaska.”