WASHINGTON, DC — Congressman Sal Dennison (D-OH) successfully inserted an amendment into a House bill, which would legalize marijuana for his own personal use.
“I thought I’d give it a shot,” said Dennison, referring to how he snuck the one-sentence amendment into a bill on highway funding. “It was more of an experiment, to see if anyone would notice.”
Apparently, no one did.
HR 4885, “The Highway Improvement and Pot Legalization for Representative Dennison Act,” passed both houses of Congress and was signed into law by President Obama on Monday. Rep. Dennison is now the only American citizen legally allowed to use marijuana for any purpose, recreational or medicinal.
Dennison has turned his office on Capitol Hill into a sort of nursery for marijuana plants. Cannabis leaves sprout from every drawer and cabinet. A jar on his desk contains dozens of hand-rolled marijuana cigarettes. He freely admits his addiction to pot smoking and recently told his constituents that he really doesn’t want to do anything else. They responded by donating hundreds of thousands of dollars to his reelection campaign.
“They kinda dig their pot-smokin’ congressman,” said Dennison. “They think it’s cool.”
But fellow members of the House of Representatives have expressed outrage. Speaker Pelosi called Dennison’s act reprehensible. “We tell our constituents that we read every word of every page of the legislation we pass,” she said at a press conference. “Now we have to look them in the eye and tell them that we either thought it was a good idea to legalize pot for Representative Dennison, or that we somehow skimmed over that part.”
The controversy doesn’t seem to bother Dennison. He leaned back and took a drag from a three-inch long joint, slowly letting the smoke linger in his lungs before exhaling.
“I guess my colleagues are kinda pissed at me for pulling a fast one,” he said with a girlish giggle, then tore into a bag of Doritos, sending them flying across the floor.
“But what the fuck, I can smoke pot!”