NEW YORK (TheSkunk.org) — One need not be cynical to believe that celebrities only make large donations to causes when they have some personal connection to it. Not that there’s a problem with that; it takes huge amounts of money to conduct research into various ailments with the hope of someday discovering a cure, and these folks certainly have the cash as well as the good intentions. Take, for example, the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research or the Rick Perry Institute for Mental Impotency. Joining that elite club is now the Donald J. Trump Center for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a non-profit research and treatment facility.
“Look, it’s something I’ve had since I was a boy,” said Trump. “In fact, I was the youngest person ever to get this disorder, and now that I have more money than anyone else in the world, I can do something about it.” Trump has pledged half his alleged wealth, some $5 billion dollars, toward finding a cure.
Trump, whose name has become a moniker for everything from high-rises to golf courses, from cologne to butt plugs, said he is interested in the science of why he behaves like a boorish snake-oil vendor. “I like to see my name a lot, and I mean a lot – more than anyone else,” admitted the billionaire real estate mogul, “and I like to say my name even more. It rolls off your tongue with certain panache that no one else’s name has: ‘Trump,’ ‘Trump,’ ‘Trump.’”
According to Trump, the researchers working at the Center will be recruited from the Miss America Pageant, which he owns and operates. “I’ve taken a lot of criticism over this — more criticism than anyone else in all of history,” he said, “but I think women with big breasts make the best scientists. And these young women have the biggest breasts in the world, believe me, bigger than even Brazil.”
Anyone waiting for a cure in the near future will be disappointed. “Whatever serum or vaccination or pills they come up with, I’m having them make enough only for me,” he explained. “It’s my money, fuck you.”
Trumps contends NPD is one of the “top conditions in the world” for science to tackle. “And I have it probably bigger than anyone else who ever lived,” he said. “That’s why my name will be huge across the front of the facility and my likeness will be painted on all the walls.”
“I have a large personality and so the narcissism doesn’t bother me too much,” noted Trump, “but if I can prevent some other asshole in the future from wanting to see his name covering up mine, then it will all have been worth it.”