VATICAN CITY — Pope Benedict XVI recently re-read the Bible and came to the conclusion that it made no sense. In a press conference Tuesday, the Pontiff told reporters he decided to read the Holy Scriptures merely for pleasure, and was taken aback by “how confusing and illogical it is.”
“From page one,” explained his Holiness, “the complete nonsense and outrageous tales contained therein made my head spin.”
From the Old Testament he cited the story of “Jonah and the Whale” as an example of what he called “fantasy beyond the realm of rational thought.” The idea that a grown man could live inside a whale, he noted, was “fucking bullshit.”
He added that after skimming most of the New Testament, he felt an “emptiness inside” and announced that the Church will no longer be including “that boring piece of crap” in its list of essential liturgy.
He also stated that he could find nothing in either testament that forbids the use of a condom or prohibits homosexuality, and therefore he would no longer ban the distribution of birth control devices or the solicitation of altar boys.
The Pope encouraged his followers to put down their bibles and read some good fiction, naming Steven King and J.K. Rowling as two of his favorites.