GLENDALE, CA — In keeping with the late actor’s wishes, Charlton Heston’s decaying remains were exhumed today, and a vintage 1874 military rifle — made famous in his “cold, dead hands” speech — was removed from his cold, dead hands.
“His hands were real cold, alright,” noted the cemetery worker who confiscated the weapon, “and bony. We had a hell of a time prying his crackly skeleton fingers off the trigger.”
Heston, a former President of the National Rifle Association, had been latched onto the firearm since his death in 2008.
Attorneys for the NRA sought a court injunction preventing officials from seizing the gun from Heston’s corpse, but a federal judge denied the petition, determining the gun removal was specifically requested by the actor prior to his demise.
“I’ve reviewed over three dozen videos of Mr. Heston speaking at various events,” said Judge Manny Trapnell. “He was extremely clear and concise about wanting his gun taken away from his ‘cold, dead hands.’” Trapnell said he interpreted the phrase to mean “after the decomposition phase of my death.”
The decision sent shockwaves through the gun community. Thousands of gun owners began frantically scraping off bumper stickers containing the Heston phrase from their cars and trucks, sometimes even using spray paint to cover them up.
“No one’s taking my gun from my cold, dead hands,” declared one gun owner. “Fuck Moses!”