HOLLYWOOD — The pending extradition of Roman Polanksi to the United States has sent a wave of optimism over aspiring young models across America, eager to lose their virginity to the famous director in hopes it will boost their fledgling careers.
“These days, like, everyone’s afraid to have sex with us,” noted Tammy, a twelve-year-old fashion model from Rutland, Vermont, “but when I heard Mr. Polanski was coming to America, I was all, ‘Yes! Hollywood is calling!’”
The models and their parents have fought for permission to greet Polanski on the tarmac when his plane touches down. It will be the first time the filmmaker has set foot in the United States for over thirty years.
Sarah Bleaknau, whose 4-year-old daughter was featured in a Sears commercial two years ago, plans to welcome Polanski with an offering of Quaaludes and champagne. “It’s a tough business,” she said. “If catering to Mr. Polanski’s hankering gives our daughter a competitive edge, it will have been worth a forged prescription or two.”
That “competitive edge” is tenuous, at best. While Polanski admitted sexually assaulting an underage model in 1977, the victim today lives her life in middle-aged obscurity, never having achieved even a modicum of success in the entertainment industry.
But that hasn’t stopped at least one girl from dreaming.
“I can’t wait to be discovered,” declared 9-year-old fashion model Therylmae of Ontario, California, “just like what’s-her-name – that 13-year-old he banged in the seventies.”