Kanye Thankful He Didn’t Go Through with ‘Entire' Plan

HOLLYWOOD — Kanye West, still recovering from his embarrassing outburst at the Video Music Awards, is grateful he didn’t go through with everything he had originally planned.

The former hip-hop star revealed today that his humbling VMA experience “pales in comparison” to the humiliation he would have endured had he carried out his entire scheme, which contained a greater level of defiance and many more awkward moments. 

According to West, he was preparing to wear a pirate costume before accosting singer Taylor Swift on stage. “When I grabbed the microphone from Taylor,” explained West, “I was going to shout ‘Aye Matee, swab yer decks you yeller-bellied wench.’”

He then planned then to “rub her titties real good,” while sticking his tongue in her ear and “poking it around a bit.”

Next, after stripping down to a pair of pink and yellow polka-dot briefs, he planned to sing the first three verses of “Mandy.”  At the conclusion of the Barry Manilow tune, he was going to fill his underwear with Milk Duds and perform a single-person conga line throughout the theater, while “encouraging female audience members to reach into my shorts for the candy.”

Finally, a 50-foot poster of West would have been lowered onto the stage, proclaiming him to be the winner of every award.

It was to have been the singular, most embarrassing moment since Bill Clinton’s admission of an “inappropriate relationship” with an intern, according to West, who can’t explain his decision not to go through with the ambitious plot.

“Something in my head told me not to put the pirate costume on,” said West, who likened the inner voice to a “little cricket whispering, ‘this is a bad idea.’”

Additionally, he noted, he couldn’t find a Kinko’s that could make the 50-foot poster.

“People spend all this time talking about what I did,” said West, “but no one gives me credit for what I could have done, but didn’t.”

“In retrospect,” he reflected, “what actually happened doesn’t seem so bad.”