CAVE SOMEWHERE — Fresh off the release of his first promotional audio tape in over six months, terrorist chief Osama bin Laden is now shaking up his video production department.
Sources close to the evil mastermind cited his disappointment in the quality of his latest videos as the reason he chose to release only an audio snippet of himself lauding the failed terrorist airline bombing attempt on Christmas Eve.
A recent survey, however, indicated the impact of these audio-only programs was minimal. 68% of the respondents said they never heard the tape, 21% said bin Laden can “kiss my ass,” 8% said he could “suck my balls,” and the remaining 3% responded with a generic “bite me,” without indicating a specific body part.
Bin Laden listens closely to opinion polls before reaching out to his audience, according to Vice President of Creative Affairs Bwana Kholomah. “We were surprised at the results — they were not what we anticipated.” Bin Laden has since had the survey-takers executed and intends to return to his roots producing maniacal video imagery.
“It’s become clear to us that listening to a guy’s voice is not merely as manacing as watching him grimace while looking directly into the camera lens,” explained Kholomah. “Unfortunately, with all the videos that have sprung up on YouTube since 9/11, it has become increasingly difficult to stand out in a sea of banality.”
Toward that end, bin Laden’s Office of New Media has announced it will be conducting a worldwide search for a new cinematographer to bring out the “nuance and subtle details” of his death threats and ultimatums.
“The old cameraman, he was no good,” said Kholomah. “Mr. bin Laden ordered his beheading, and unfortunately it was carried out before his latest project could be completed.”
That “project” — a video of bin Laden wrapped in a white sheet and standing in a non-descript location with lots of dirt and machine guns surrounding him – has been rescheduled for an early 2010 release, according to Kholomah. “It’s going to be our best ever,” he said. “Think ‘Batman’ meets “Twilight.’ You can pre-order it on Netflix.”
Kholomah said applicants for the cinematographer position should have access to their own HD camera and IEDs.