NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Tempers rose and tea bags flew everywhere at the first national Tea Party conference, as attendees became embroiled in a bitter dispute over the specific type of beverage referred to in their their group’s moniker.
“The tea that was tossed into the chilly Boston harbor over two-hundred years ago would have been cold, very cold,” said one Tea Bagger, “so we should pledge our allegiance to a tall icy glass of eucalyptus sassafras tea, with just a hint of vanilla extract.”
Others disagreed. Noting the extreme passion they feel for their core views, some Baggers insisted the organization be associated with a steaming cup of hot tea.
“And not that Oriental shit,” said a man in a Hawaiian shirt with a teakettle fastened to his head, “but good ol’ wholesome Lipton, with a hint of cinnamon.”
Some insisted sugar be used in the tea; others wanted to add milk. Purists in the crowd rejected any tea ideas that weren’t — as one participant put it — “as black as Obama’s nigra wife.”
That participant denied being a racist. “She’s black; the tea is black — get over it.”
At one point, the commotion ground to a silent halt when someone asked, “Does anyone think it’s gay we’re using ‘tea’ and not ‘coffee’ or ‘beer?'”
Later in the evening, another faction broke away from the main group, declaring itself the “Decaffeinated Tea Party” and carrying signs that read, “No Taxation without Caffeination.”
“We’re through with those clowns in the regular Tea Party,” said one Decaffer. “Fuck ’em. The Decaffeinated Tea Party is now a completely independent organization.”
In the end, however, the attendees united for a single cause, as they beat up a Mexican tourist who had stopped by to ask for directions.
“Nothing brings us together more than a racially motivated whoopin’,” quipped a convention-goer. “Tonight, we are all one huge bag of tea.”