WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Robert Gates today introduced a policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Suck” as a way to deter homosexual activity in the military. The new guidelines would ban troops from fellating one another while on deployment.
“We believe this rule will greatly reduce the amount of oral copulation occurring on the battlefield,” said Gates. “The United States can no longer afford to have our men in uniform mouth-fucking one another in time of war.”
Leaders of the gay community have voiced strong opposition, calling “Don’t Ask, Don’t Suck” discriminatory and unconstitutional. “Just because one soldier ejaculates into the mouth of another soldier in the heat of battle,” stated Ed Tarnerdon of the Gay Alliance, “doesn’t mean he can’t perform his duties in a professional manner.”
Many of the enlisted men serving overseas agree. According to an army truck driver stationed in Afghanistan, the passage of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Suck” would be to the detriment of straights as well as gays.
“If you need a lube in the middle of the friggin’ desert,” he noted on his Twitter page, “you don’t care whose oil can it is.”