Shlockheads Mourn Loss of Pitchman Billy Mays

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Cases of OxiClean and the Handy Switch have been flying off the shelves in cities around the world, as distraught fans of the late Billy Mays try to hold onto a little bit of the departed pitchman’s magic.

Mays was found dead in his Tampa, Florida home early Sunday Morning.

The iconic photo of Mays applying Simoniz Instant Shine to a shiny red car has now become the top-selling poster of all-time, even surpassing those of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

“We’re already into our third printing of the Billy Mays poster since his tragic death,” said Ted Hoffman of Printapalooza, in Worcester, Massachusetts.  “Orders are coming in from the internet and retailers faster than we can turn them out.”

His signature blue shirt and jet-black facial hair have set fashion trends for Americans that will be unmatched for years.

Fans of Mays, who call themselves “Shlockheads,” are steadfast in their devotion. Since the announcement of Mays’s demise, they have gathered at his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame to pay tribute the man who defined their generation.  When it was discovered that Mays had no such star, they made their own, using Engrave It, the engraving tool that allows you to engrave on anything.

Devotees placed containers of Kaboom, Mighty Mendit, Impact Gel Insoles, Omni DualSaw, and Green Now! on the makeshift shrine, as they shared their memories of Mays with one another.

“We were the same age,” said Betty Crendall, a middle school teacher from Buffalo. “Every time he’d promote a new product, it resonated with me and what I was going through at that particular time in my life.”

Pre-med student Tyrone Ensign agreed. “When Billy introduced the ‘Soap-A-Dub-Slop Stopper,’ it was like he was personally speaking to me and my whole generation.”

Realtors Sid and Fiama Blueman walked down Hollywood Boulevard wearing Samurai Sharks around their necks.  As they approached passersby, they offered to sharpen their cutlery for free. “We feel blessed to have shared the world with him,” said Mr. Blueman. “There will never be another Billy Mays.”

Well, at least not until September. That’s when The Discovery Channel debuts its new reality show, “Who will be the next Billy Mays?”