Circuit City Sells Last of Broken Shit for 50% Off
HARDENBERG, KS — Circuit City has sold the last of its broken shit at amazing discounts of up to 50%. The electronics retailer is being liquidated after declaring bankruptcy last year.
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New Chrysler Model Powered by Prayer
DETROIT / LAKE FOREST, CA — Struggling to emerge from its financial woes, automobile manufacturer Chrysler LLC, in partnership with pastor Rick Warren, has introduced a new model called the Jesus Chrysler. This alternative energy vehicle forgoes the conventional gasoline engine, running instead on “faith and prayer.”
Donald Trump to Purchase Hanoi Hilton
HANOI, VIETNAM — Donald Trump has made an offer to purchase the “Hanoi Hilton,” the infamous Vietnamese prison where John McCain spent five years as a POW, and turn it into high-rise, luxury resort.
Congress Tells Toyota, Honda, BMW to Make Shittier Vehicles
WASHINGTON — The House Financial Services Committee issued a statement today, urging foreign car manufactures to “tone down” the quality and appeal of their products, so that the big three American car companies can compete more effectively.
Man's Testicle Reveals Image of GM CEO
A local crossing guard claims a perfect image of GM chief executive Rick Wagoner has appeared on his left testicle.
Madoff Asks Government for Money to Pay Off Earlier Investors
WASHINGTON, DC — Wall Street investment manager Bernard Madoff appeared before a congressional committee Monday to ask for $60 billion to reimburse investors who have lost money with his firm in what appears to have been a massive Ponzi scam.
Man Sells Stuff on eBay to Pay for other Stuff
TRENTON — A New Jersey man sold some of his stuff on eBay last week, and plans to use the money he makes to buy other stuff.
Automakers Form Suicide Pact
DETROIT — The chief executives from Ford, GM and Chrysler, fresh from groveling to Congress to bail their respective firms out from under their mismanagement and poor judgment, have issued a statement today outlining plans for their joint suicide. Should any of the Big Three automakers be unable to repay the billions of dollars they are requesting from the federal government, all three CEOs have vowed to kill themselves.
GM CEO Says Employees will Work for $1 if Company Receives Bailout
DETROIT — On the heels of Ford CEO Alan Mulally’s promise to work for $1…
"Black Friday" to Be Renamed Under Obama
CHICAGO — As one of his first orders as President of the United States, Barack Obama pledged to rename “Black Friday” – the first day after Thanksgiving in which most retailers begin making a profit – as “Multiracial Friday.”
