Hawaii Insists It’s 'No Paradise'
HONOLULU — Troubled by its reputation as a tropical paradise, Hawaii is on a quest to change its image with a series of commercials showing the depraved side of the Aloha State.
Skunk Classics
Criminals Urged to Apprehend Themselves
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
Congressman Legalizes Pot for Himself
WASHINGTON, DC — Congressman Sal Dennison (D-OH) successfully inserted an amendment into a House bill, which would legalize marijuana for his own personal use.
North Korea Prepares to Launch Tinker Toys, Legos
WASHINGTON, D.C. — North Korea is preparing to launch a missile armed with Tinker Toys and red Legos, according to the U.S. State Department.
Rush Limbaugh Regrets Not Holding Michael Jackson
In his nationally syndicated radio program, Rush Limbaugh regretted not holding Michael Jackson in his arms before the pop idol passed away last month.
13 Killed in Reenactment of Deadly Train Crash that Killed 13
FOGSHAFT, OR — A reenactment of a fatal train crash that killed 13 people last month resulted in the deaths of 13 people.
McCain Wants Own Library Despite Never Being President
SEDONA, AZ — Senator John McCain today announced plans to build his own presidential library, despite the fact that he is not — and has never been — the president.
Dermatologist Repulsed by Teenager’s Zit
BEVERLY HILLS — A popular dermatologist was repulsed by a particularly gross looking acne blemish on the face of one of his teenage patients.
Termites Devour Dutch Shoe Factory; Fraud Suspected
NETHERLANDS — An invasion of termites that completely devoured the inventory of the Clicken Cläcken Wooden Shoe Factory in Amsterdam is being investigated as a criminal act.
Premature Ejaculator Gets Second Date
PITTSBURGH — High school senior Sean Allwinter prematurely ejaculated in his pants last Friday while on a first date with classmate Brenda Hendricks. Now she has agreed to go out with him again.
