Advertisers Slow Down Commercials for DVR Users
NEW YORK — Having gotten wise to television viewers fast-forwarding through advertisements on their DVRs, advertisers have decided to slow down their commercials to 25% of normal speed.
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Union Bank Vagina Preferred over Walmart Puckered Anus
In a recent opinion poll, consumers preferred the new Union Bank logo, a swollen red vagina, to Walmart’s yellow puckered anus, by a margin of two-to-one.
Sarah Palin to run for Governor of Alaska
ANCHORAGE — Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has announced plans to run for Governor of Alaska in the 2010 election.
Writers’ Union to Euthanize Strike Breakers
LOS ANGELES — The Writers Guild of America, the collective bargaining organization for professional Hollywood screen and television writers, has published a list of three of its members who will be euthanized for crossing picket lines during the 2007 strike.
Michael Vick Signed to 'Fighting Bulldogs'
SALEM, OR – NFL expansion team, the “Fighting Bulldogs” – who have been struggling every season to fill their stadium — have signed a two-year, $500 million dollar deal with disgraced quarterback Michael Vick, the former football star who served 19 months in federal prison for his conviction on running a dogfighting ring.
Man Gets Cash for Clunker Wife
BUTTE, MO — Due to a loophole in the federal “Cash for Clunkers” program, local dentist Halman Johnson was able to bring his wife of twenty-two years into the local Ford dealership and walk away with $4500 cash and a 2010 Escort Cabriolet hybrid.
Ahmadinejad Gets Key Endorsement from Himself
Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad formally endorsed himself for a second term as president Monday in a ceremony that sought to quell discontent among Iranians, by declaring himself a worthy leader.
North Korea Prepares to Launch Tinker Toys, Legos
WASHINGTON, D.C. — North Korea is preparing to launch a missile armed with Tinker Toys and red Legos, according to the U.S. State Department.
Old Men Have Shorter Life Expectancies
CHICAGO — Results of a study conducted by the Journal of American Research suggest that old men have a shorter life expectancy than that of their younger counterparts.
Termites Devour Dutch Shoe Factory; Fraud Suspected
NETHERLANDS — An invasion of termites that completely devoured the inventory of the Clicken Cläcken Wooden Shoe Factory in Amsterdam is being investigated as a criminal act.
