Obama to Enslave White People, Says GOP

NEW YORK — President Obama’s healthcare plan is a thinly veiled attempt to force all white people into slavery, according to conservative talk show host Glenn Beck.

“We will not stand by as our sons and daughters are forced into involuntary servitude by this illegitimate Negro president,” said Beck on Wednesday’s edition of his Fox Television program. “Now is the time for Republicans to stand firm in the tradition of Abraham Lincoln and oppose ‘Obamalavery.’”

Beck cited a Fox News poll that indicated 100% of white Americans oppose being sold into slavery. “The president has no support on his slavery agenda,” he said. “He is an unpopular president with unpopular ideas.”

Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) agreed, calling Obama’s plan “outrageous,” and saying he has proposed legislation outlawing white slavery in the United States.

Coburn’s anti-white slavery amendment was added to his “Domestic Animal Protection Bill,” which allows people to fire AK-47s at neighborhood cats and dogs.

“The Domestic Animal Protection Bill guarantees our Second Amendment right to shoot things and kill them,” said Coburn.  “And now it will also ensure that you are not abducted from your home in the middle of the night, packed like sardines in the hull of a creaky 18th century cargo ship and sold to a wealthy black family who made their fortune during the Bush administration.”

“If they try to enslave you and sell you at auction,” suggested Beck, “run!  Run as fast and far as your caucasion legs will allow. The welts on your back inflicted by Obama’s whips will hurt like the dickens, but you must not let the plantation owners utilize your backbreaking, sweat-making services without compensation.”

Beck added, however, that plantation owners who utilize slave labor should not be mandated by the government to provide health insurance.  “You’re lucky to have a job in this economy,” he said. “Your welts will heal, but your employer is being taxed to death; having to provide you with healthcare will put him out of business, and his plantation will be sold at auction, along with my dear, beloved, white grandmother.”

“The thought of my sweet grandma bending over to pick cotton in the hot sun,” he added, “is almost too unbearable.”