Home Sales Up by 11 Homes
WASHINGTON — The month of July saw an increase in single-family home sales nationwide by a total of 11. The 11 homes were sold in California, New Mexico, New Jersey, and Guam.
Economy
Cheap Bastards Unaffected by Recession
WASHINGTON, DC — While the shaky economy has forced most Americans to cut back on their day-to-day living expenses, the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis reported that cheap bastards carry on as though nothing has changed.
IOUs Become Official Currency of California
SACRAMENTO — Governor Schwarzenegger today declared that IOUs will be the new currency of the State of California.
Unemployment Soars Among Unemployment Office Workers
SACRAMENTO — The California Employment Development Department (EDD), the agency responsible for distributing unemployment benefits to millions of the state’s laid-off employees, has itself begun laying off thousands of its own staff members.
Man Loses House to Pay Admission to Disney Park
ANAHEIM, CA — An unemployed man recently lost his home to foreclosure after refinancing it with a sub-prime mortgage to pay for annual admission to Disneyland for his family of eight.
Republican Senators Approve Tax Breaks for Canadians
OTTAWA — Dissatisfied with the stimulus package that made its way through Congress, and the lack of conservative input contained therein, Republican senators voted unanimously over the weekend to give tax breaks to Canadians.
White House Touts Double-Digit Employment
WASHINGTON, DC — A new report from the White House indicates that 93% of Americans currently have jobs, superseding previous accounts from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that 7% were out of work.
Obama Says Sale of Virginity Good for Economy
WASHINGTON — Citing his campaign theme that good ideas can come from anywhere, President-elect Barack Obama praised coed Natalie Dylan for auctioning off her virginity to pay her college tuition. He said the 22-year’-old’s plan will be a model for his administration’s education and economic policies.
Congress Tells Toyota, Honda, BMW to Make Shittier Vehicles
WASHINGTON — The House Financial Services Committee issued a statement today, urging foreign car manufactures to “tone down” the quality and appeal of their products, so that the big three American car companies can compete more effectively.
Santa Won't be Coming to Your Town
Santa is skipping Christmas this year. In this video, he explains why.
