DENVER (TheSkunk.org) — The way out of the country’s economic woes is to let citizens print their own money, said President Barack Obama to a cheering crowd of unemployed construction workers in the Mile High City.
“This financial crisis is just too big for our resources in Washington,” said Obama. “The government printing presses literally cannot keep up with the demand for new currency.”
The White House put forth a plan to distribute 375 million printing presses to every man, woman and child in the nation, so they can print their own U.S. currency. “For those who have lost their jobs and are behind in their mortgage payments,” said Obama, “when this legislation passes you’ll be able to crank up your own printing press and create the cash you need, right from your own living room.”
Obama has called upon Congress to pass the “Individual Currency Printing” legislation, estimated to cost taxpayers $4 trillion. “Printing presses aren’t cheap; they’re not free. We need this money to purchase the printing presses so that all of our citizens have the opportunity to print their own money — not just Washington hotshots.”
Republicans blasted the plan, saying that allowing individuals to print unlimited money without giving them a tax break will have no effect.
“How will this stimulate the economy?” asked Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC). “There’s no guarantee people will even spend the money they print. They might print it and put it right into a savings account, or use it to pay off credit cards, or just decorate their walls with it.”
“No one’s going to work anymore,” declared Senator John McCain (R-AZ). “They’ll just stay at home and print money to buy things that are no longer available, because no one has incentive to manufacture them — or to get out of bed in the morning.” McCain said he would have been more comfortable with the bill if it excluded people who are already collecting welfare.
The president reassured Congress that it will take a lot of people to maintain and service the printing presses, creating millions of jobs across the country. “We will transform America into a 21st century currency printing economy.”
House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Oh) called the proposed legislation “tantamount to legalized counterfeiting,” but suggested he might support the bill if it were altered so that only the very wealthy were allowed to print their own money.
Obama assured citizens that the printing presses would be perfectly legal. “They will be manufactured by the Bureau of Printing and Engraving right here in D.C.,” he said, “fully sanctioned by the government and scaled down for personal use.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (R-Ca) said it would actually help reduce the national debt, because Congress could raise taxes to “whatever ridiculous threshold we want, because now everyone will be able to pay — even [former Senator Tom] Daschle.”
According to Pelosi, a proposed amendment to the bill would virtually eliminate the trade defecit, as well, by shipping printing presses overseas and allowing all citizens in every country to print their own U.S. currency. “These countries will reimburse us for the printing presses with the money that they are creating each and every day.”
Although not everyone on Capitol Hill is pleased with the plan, it seems the average American is keen on the idea of printing his or her own currency. A CNN poll taken shortly after the president’s speech gave him an approval rating of 110%.
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