McCain Gets 58% of Jowl Vote

In a nationwide survey conducted Tuesday, John McCain received the support of 58% of Americans with droopy jowls.

Although McCain welcomed the poll results, he was restrained in his reaction. “I think the press puts too much emphasis on statistical groupings,” McCain told reporters. “I’ll be the president for everyone, not just those with sagging, fleshy cheek bulges.”

The Obama campaign downplayed the significance of the poll. “In the primaries,” said a spokesperson, “Senator Obama did better than McCain among thick-necked and weak-chinned Americans. As you know, there’s a lot of overlap between those communities and the dangle-jowled.”

Hillary Clinton has been courting the jowl vote for months now, with spotty results. “I’ve been fighting for the rights of gravity-challenged faces all my life,” she said. “When I was a young attorney, floppy jowlers made seventy-five cents for every dollar earned by those with chiseled jaws. Today, because of legislation that I passed, they can be proud of a pay scale on par with unibrows and bulbous noses.”

The McCain camp, not wanting to take any constituency for granted, has been attending jowl awareness conventions across the country.

“Senator McCain really understands us,” said Burbur Wallow, president of the United We Jowl organization. “Just because we have faces like Basset hounds with an iodine deficiency, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have equal representation. God bless McCain and God bless his facial fat.”