WASHINGTON, DC — Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has undergone the world’s first successful oral-anal transplant. The procedure, pioneered by Dr. Kenneth Fargonian of Bethesda Naval Hospital, involves surgically removing the patient’s anus and mouth, swapping them with one another, and then reattaching the organs.
“For years, Mr. Limbaugh has been vocalizing from his rectum and defecating from his mouth,” explained Dr. Fargonian. ” We’ve now perfected a surgical treatment to correct this genetic abnormality.”
According to a press release, the breakthrough procedure will one day prevent thousands of ultra right-wing commentators from “spewing bullshit whenever they speak.”
Was the operation a success?
“The day Mr. Limbaugh returned to work, nobody seemed to notice any difference,” said Dr. Fargonian. “By all accounts, the transposition of his mouth and anus was virtually undetectible. This is indeed the sign of a successful operation.”
Next up for the doctor will be a groundbreaking triple oral-anal-cerebral transplant between Fox News personalities Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity.
“We’ll be repositioning their brains, assholes and mouths into the appropriate locations,” said Fargonian. “We’re not quite sure yet where everything goes — or who will get which part — but we’re confident the outcome will be a vast improvement.”
A similar procedure was performed last year when doctors unsuccessfully attempted an oral-anal-vaginal transplant on author Ann Coulter.
“Unfortunately, nothing took,” said Fargonian. “So we tried our best to put things back the way they were.”