Porn Industry to get $100 Billion in Federal Aid

WASHINGTON — Leaders in the adult entertainment industry, hit hard in the current recession, testified before Congress Monday, explaining the need for $100 billion dollars in government assistance to keep their various enterprises afloat.

Leigh Flanders, a producer of hard-core gay videos, claimed the American porn industry is responsible for the livelihood of thousands of employees.  “Without this bailout,” he said, “we’re going to see more and more sex workers taking to the streets, living in unsanitary conditions and having unprotected sex.   Some may even turn to drugs or other illegal activities.”

Finance Committee Chair Barney Frank stated his disappointment with many of the videos Flanders has produced, noting a marked decrease in length and impact.  “Audiences today expect more of a bang,” he said.  “A good, intense climax would go a long way toward increased consumer penetration.”

Flanders admitted his industry had made past mistakes.  “We’ve pulled a lot of boners,” he said.  “Our thinking was, ‘If we filmed it, they will come.'”

Carla Wessel, who runs a successful escort service, agreed. “We can no longer lie down in the face of increasing overseas competition,” she said, vowing to use her head to perk up her flaccid consumer base.  “We need to keep abreast of the firm demands of the market.” 

“What will your industry do to get up off your backs and turn yourselves around?” asked Rep. Frank.  “How do we know that after this initial aid package, you won’t be demanding more and more, coming again and again, begging us to give it to you for a second and third time?”

“Give it to us once and you won’t see us again,” promised Flanders. “Nobody wants congressmen giving us more aids.”

Rep. Frank told the porn leaders there would need to be stiff oversight if their businesses were to receive any monetary assistance from the government.  “Fortunately,” he added, “many of my colleagues have already volunteered for this duty.”

Wessel said she would welcome a hands-on approach from lawmakers. “My employees will be open and receptive to any and all input from your congressional staff,” replied Wessel. “We’re expecting you to really lay it into to us.”

The next to testify was D.C. crack whore Mandy Portola-Winston, who told Congress she “really needed the money right now, please give me the money, I’m going to die if I don’t have the money… fuck you all, you pieces of shit.”  She then vomited on herself.

Rep. Frank closed the hearing by recommending that Congress move forward with the bailout, and encouraged further intercourse with porn leaders.

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