Ted Haggard to Start Youth Camp for Sexy Boys

COLORADO SPRINGS — Disgraced evangelical preacher Ted Haggard will be establishing a youth camp for good-looking teen boys. A press release issued from Haggard’s bedroom touts the camp as a “place for handsome teenage males to explore their attractiveness and bond with other like-bodied boys and an older man.”

In 2006, Haggard was removed from his position as head pastor of the New Life Church after admitting to ongoing sexual encounters with a male prostitute.

“When you’re a good-looking teenage boy, you are often shunned by your less-than-pretty friends and misunderstood by your jealous families,” explained Haggard in an interview with CNN’s Larry King. “We want to make these young men feel included, feel desired, feel anything they want. It will be a positive, spirit-raising two weeks, spent with a compassionate male mentor in a secluded garden section of my backyard.”

Some in the community have expressed skepticism at Haggard’s motives. Jane Fendall, president of Mothers Against Pedophile Pastors (MAPP), said this is all a ruse for Haggard to have more gay sex.

“We know this creep has had sexual encounters with other men and then lied about it,” she said.  “We’re warning parents: keep your kids away from this so-called ‘camp.'”

Haggard denied the allegations.  “Sure, it will be hard for me to refrain from having certain feelings for the boys,” he said.  “I admit that every day that I tutor these fine-looking lads, I will be tormented with lust and possessed with demonic sexual impulses that I must control. But it’s the price that I will pay to make sure these hunks of male adolescent flesh are able to experience the wonders and joys of a simple touch of same-sex genitalia, the flash of a man-teat, the moist tip of an understanding tongue, and the comfort of watching videos from the lap of an unclothed father figure.”

Haggard claimed the camp will be open to boys of every kind.  “We’ll have boys there with tall, slender bodies, boys with sinewy calves and boys with sweaty biceps,” said the pastor-cum-gay sex addict.  “Discrimination will not be tolerated at Camp Haggard.”