ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have found that 99.9% of the victims of the H1N1 influenza virus, commonly known as the “Swine Flu,” are pigs.
Month: April 2009
Waterboarding Survival Classes Cancelled by Al-Qaeda
AFGHAN-PAKISTANI BORDER — Al-Qaida anounced on Monday it will be terminating its Waterboarding Survival course, which has been offered to its members since 9/11.
Obama Approves Sandwich-Boarding
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected terrorists.
Cheney to Host Waterboarding Finals
NEW YORK — ESPN has entered into an agreement with former vice president Dick Cheney to host the 2009 Waterboarding Finals, to be broadcast live from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Cheney: Somali Pirates Responsible for 9/11
Former vice-president Dick Cheney said in an interview Monday that the Somali pirates who have been wreaking havoc on commercial shipping off the coast of East Africa are responsible for the World Trade Center attacks of September 11, 2001.
GM Recalling 1.5M Vehicles over Impalings
General Motors Corp. is recalling 1.5 million vehicles because of potential cranial impalings.
Somali Pirates Based on Disney Movie, Ride
HORN OF AFRICA — Referring to themselves as rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves, modern-day Somalian pirates have fashioned themselves after characters from Disney’s “Pirates of the Carribbean.”
Christ's Lover Chastises Gay Marriage Opponents
SACRAMENTO — Moses Josephson, the gay lover of Jesus Christ, returned from the dead on Good Friday to plead with anti-gay marriage activists to cease their activities.
Marine Life Protest North Korean Missile Attack
PACIFIC OCEAN — An alliance of squid, eels, rays, deep sea bass and other marine animals voiced their opposition to North Korea’s launch of a missile over the weekend that struck deep into their territory.
