ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have found that 99.9% of the victims of the H1N1 influenza virus, commonly known as the “Swine Flu,” are pigs.
A report on the pandemic, released today, took the scientific community by surprise. “The current administration is prepared to spend over a billion dollars to fight the spread of this virus in people,” said CDC Associate Director Dr. Marvin Keefer, “when only .01% of its victims are humans.”
Keefer called upon the government to redirect its resources toward prevention of the disease in those who are most at risk: the pig community. He then called upon all swine, hogs and wild boars to practice good health habits, including covering their snouts when sneezing to avoid spreading the virus.
“Do not roll in your own poop, and then in the poop of another pig,” advised Dr. Keefer, “and then lick the poop and then lick your children.”
Keefer said that pigs should wash their hooves for at least twenty seconds after sharing communal mud baths, and should avoid public transportation.
“Do not spit your food back into the trough and let another pig eat it,” he said. “And do not let researchers extract your fetuses and place them in jars of formaldehyde for future dissections if you show any signs of being sick, yourself.”
The Department of Homeland Security has directed U.S. Customs Officers to screen all pigs entering across the border from Mexico. “If a pig says something about not feeling well,” said DHS Director Janet Napolitano, “he will be questioned about symptoms and, if necessary, provided with a face mask and box of tissues before being allowed into the country.”
To further reduce the chances for spread of influenza viruses, the CDC recommends that all farm animals stay at home when they are suffering from acute respiratory infections.