WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it will be removing the much-hyped “Family Values” agenda from its platform.
Since the early 1980s, when President Reagan and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich gave birth to the so-called “Republican Revolution,” conservatives have campaigned on the vague term as a way to lure religious extremists to their cause.
But that “term” has weighed heavily on Republican politicians, who have found it burdensome to conduct their own lives in accordance with the lofty values it espouses.
“It’s just too difficult,” said Gingrich, who is currently married to his third wife, whom he met while he was married to his second wife. “Trying to push an idea that is contrary to our nature is not good for the party.”
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) agreed, saying that after being captured by the Viet Cong and serving seven years in the Hanoi Hilton, he knows a trap when he sees one. “To rebuild our party, we must eliminate the antiquated standards in our platform that lead us into this trap,” explained the decorated war hero, who divorced his first wife while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer, and immediately married the woman he had been sleeping with for the prior nine months.
McCain’s former running mate, Governor Sarah Palin (R-AK), praised the RNC for its decision, declaring — in a somewhat cryptic statement — that removing those words from Republican liturgy “is a complete and total vindication of my family.”
Senator Larry Craig, (R-ID) who solicited gay sex from a law enforcement officer in an airport men’s room, said the elimination of the clause couldn’t come soon enough. “It’s always been easier for the Democrats to get away with illicit sexual behavior,” he said, “because they never made a big stink over it.”
According to Senator John Ensign (R-NV), Democrats seem to have avoided the issue altogether. “While John Edwards is an adulterer who fathered an illegitimate child,” said Ensign, referring to the erstwhile Democratic presidential candidate who admitted an affair with a staffer whom he impregnated, “he never issued a proclamation specifically against that type of thing. He wasn’t forced into hypocrisy.”
Ensign, who recently admitted having an affair with a married woman, said that by eliminating the “Family Values” clause, it will be easier for Republicans in office to “hold themselves to a higher standard.”
“Yes, I might fuck your wife,” said Ensign, “but I never said I wouldn’t.”
The removal of the clause from the Republican Platform takes effect July 1, 2009. Unfortunately for Governor Mark Sanford (R-SC), whose recent admission of marital infidelity engendered the time-honored public shock and outrage, this will come too late to remove the red “H” engraved into his forehead.
While Sanford may spend every waking moment of the rest of his life convincing voters of his contriteness, a new generation of Republican wife-cheaters will be able to fornicate with their staffers, constituents, and anonymous bathroom goers, free from the taint of hypocrisy.