VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Unwilling to part with an event that has brought global recognition to their city, Vancouver authorities have declared they will be extending the 2010 Winter Olympics for another three years.
“Hosting the Olympics has been the best thing to ever happen to us,” according to Mayor Gregor Robertson. “From the warm feelings of the athletes who come to visit us, to the scary foreign people who sleep on our benches — we just can’t bring ourselves to say ‘Goodbye.'”
Robertson said town officials are devising “new and exciting” winter games that can be participated in all year long, for the next 36 months. “We’re introducing three-legged uphill skiiing,” explained Robertson, “as well as eight-man upside-down bobsledding, and my favorite: the long-form snow angel competition.”
Other new events include synchronized ice fishing, freestyle logging and something called “cross-country guzzling,” sponsored by Molson Beer.
The Vancouver tourism bureau has come up with a series of commericials touting itself as the “City of the Perpetual Winter Olympics.”
“Just like the Winter Games,” reads one of the brochures, “your trip to Vancouver will be long, cold and seemingly never-ending.”
In addition to the added games, two new medals have been proposed, one made from platinum and the other aluminum. The platinum medal would be for a fourth place finish, according to Roberston, and the aluminum would be for the athlete who finishes last.
“Leave it to us Canucks to celebrate the last-place finisher,” he said. “In Vancouver, everybody’s a winner!”
Robertson said the extended winter games will continue on contemporaneously with the 2012 summer Olympics, finally coming to a close in 2013 “or thereabouts.”