PHOENIX — Arizona lawmakers today enacted legislation giving local police permission to lower thousands of 100-ton containers directly over the heads of suspected illegal immigrants.
The four-story containment domes — similar in design to the one BP officials unsuccessfully sent to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico to stop the oil spill — are seen as the most promising in a slew of desperate attempts to stop illegal immigrants from running rampant across the Grand Canyon State.
“This is an example of taking a failed idea — in this case, trying to plug an oil spout a mile below the surface of the ocean with a box — and retooling it for a different purpose,” explained Governor Jane Brewer in press conference.
“Illegal immigration costs our economy millions of dollars in lost gardening jobs for Arizonans,” she said. “Not to mention the loss incurred by citizens when these hooligans steal things from their homes, like tortillas and beer.”
Police helicopters will fly the heavy domes all across the state, 24 hours a days. “When we spot someone who looks like they might be here without our permission,” said a spokesperson for the Tucson Police Department, “we drop it right on ’em.”
Unlike the device used by BP, the containers will not have an opening at the top. “We’re capturing people, not oil,” explained Brewer. “There’s no reason to waste more money by drilling holes in the damn things.”
So far, the “Arizona Immigrant Deterrent System” (AIDS), as it’s called, seems to be producing results. “Within minutes of announcing that government will be spreading AIDS throughout the state,” noted one official, “illegals have been racing for the Colorado border in droves.”
Civil rights groups are decrying the law as “inhumane.”
“You can’t trap people inside heavy boxes, with no way to escape, no room to pee and no oxygen.”
Brewer brushes off such criticism, referring to the law as only a “temporary fix.”
“We don’t intend to keep them inside these things indefinitely,” she said. “Just until the federal government comes up with a better idea.”