Compulsive Masturbation 'Unconstitutional' Says Bachmann

Bachmann Opposes Compulsive Masturbation

WASHINGTON ( — Rep. Michele Bachmann told reporters today that compulsive masturbation was unconstitutional, asserting that lawmakers cannot “force citizens to get themselves off.”

“The federal government has no authority to compel anyone to masturbate,” said the three-term congresswoman from Minnesota. “Americans should be free to stimulate themselves at the time and place of their choosing, not at the whim of Washington bureaucrats.”

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich agreed, referring to compulsive masturbation as “another stimulus that will do nothing to create jobs.”

“The federal government cannot require individuals to pleasure themselves,” he ejaculated. “This just rubs me the wrong way.”

To date, seven Republican attorneys general have filed lawsuits to prevent compulsive masturbation from becoming the law of the land and spilling over into their respective jurisdictions.

Speaker John Boehner exposed the issue front and center at a press conference, where he claimed his party had its hand on the pulse of the nation.

“When it comes to jerking people off,” noted Boehner, “I think Americans trust the Republicans to get the job done.”

“Our founding fathers knew that compulsive masturbation has no place in a free society,” added Bachmann. “They believed, as I believe, that the American people know how to spend their own money — and make themselves climax — better than the government.”