SWEETWATER, TX — An explosion at a major sugar refinery occurred last night, as stunned employees stared on with glazed expressions. The U.S. Department of Sweets and Sours released a statement warning the possibility of a total carameltdown is “extremely licky .”
The refinery, once considered the most flavorful in the world, was reduced to mounds of rock candy, and the surrounding area became a dessert wasteland.
“The honeycomb walls caved in and broke through the cookie-cutter tile floors,” said Timothy Dulcet, the night manager, “leaving a huge cavity in the enamel.”
Dulcet said he heard a “krackel,” as the electrical lines blow-popped and started a bonbonfire. “Then everything starburst into flames.”
Dulcet was credited with pulling Taffy to safety. “He was a lifesaver,” said Skittles Taffy, a jolly rancher who happened to be passing through. “He got me out of a real sweet pickle.”
“I don’t want to sugarcoat this,” Dulcet told reporters, “but a meltdown could be hazardous to your heath.”
Authorities believe the tasteless act was caused by a disgruntled cherry bomber. Police apprehended a suspect, but have been unable to get a confection out of him. “So far, this gummy worm’s fed us a nutrageous pile of whoppers, but we’re not swallowing any of it,” said Lt. Necco Wafer.
“The zagnut was looking for a big payday,” added Wafer, “but either now or later, I’m going to see this airhead behind hundred-thousand dollar bars.”