NEW YORK — Fox News executives decided not to report the results of a new study by Fairleigh Dickinson University that concluded Fox viewers are less informed about current events than those who receive their news from other sources — or don’t receive any news at all.
“We are not going to report information to our viewers that we deem to be blatantly false,” said Steve Doocy, anchor of Fox & Friends. “It’s a lie to say we disseminate inaccurate information to those who watch our show– or somehow withhold factual information from them — and we refuse to expose our audience to the pseudo-research coming out of this left-wing, communist, so-called ‘University.'”
Co-anchor Gretchen Carlson agreed. “Why would we ever share this ‘scholarly study’ with our audience, when it’s nothing but a pack of liberal lies?” she asked. “Our viewers are extremely knowledgeable on all the issues we choose to cover — and this ridiculous study is not one of them.”
“Our viewers will never know of this report because it is an egregious fib,” said an outraged co-host Brian Kilmeade. “If we presented it on-air as legitimate news, we’d be laughed out of the journalism profession.”
“We don’t waste our audience’s time letting them decide for themselves the veracity of information available in the world,” noted Carlson. “Our job as professional journalists is to make that determination for them. What’s that? You say those elitist commie professors forgot to mention that in their report? What a surprise!”
“What did you say about that study? I can’t hear you,” quipped Doocy, who playfully plugged his fingers into his ears and shouted, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…”
“No way will we ever expose the contents of that report to our viewers,” declared Kilmeade. “It just wouldn’t be ‘Fair and Balanced.'”
Continued Doocy, “…blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…”