Outtakes from the Rose Parade

The following transcript is an excerpt from the Rose Parade telecast of January 1, 2009, obtained exclusively by TheSkunk.org. The segments were recorded live, but never aired.

              STEPHANIE:  ...and that was the United States
                          Air Force Marching Band, with their
                          rendition of "Help Me Rhonda."

              BOB:        This next float is called "Death
                          to Zion" -- sponsored by Hamas.

              STEPHANIE:  The float won the Judge's Trophy
                          for "Best Use of Improvised
                          Incendiary Devices."

              BOB:	It depicts four young suicide bombers
                          inside an Israeli tour bus.  The bus is
                          covered with Yellow orchids and
                          Jasmine, which is the national
                          flower of Palestine.

              STEPHANIE:  I didn't know they had a national
                          flower.

              BOB:        That's according to Wikipedia.

              STEPHANIE:  I do know that those explosive
                          apparatuses strapped onto their
                          thighs are made from high grade
                          fertilizer.

              SFX: WHITE FLASH.  EXPLOSION.

              BOB:        The Israeli corpses are covered
                          with fig leaves and pomegranate
                          seeds, all native to the Holy
                          Land.

              STEPHANIE:  This next float is "Gateway to
                          Employment," sponsored by our
                          neighbors to the South:  Mexico.

              BOB:        That border fence you see is an
                          authentic one-half scale replica
                          of the one that divides of our
                          two great nations.  It's covered
                          in white dahlias and flour
                          tortillas.

              STEPHANIE:  The immigrants you see climbing
                          the fence and jumping to the
                          other side are actual
                          undocumented workers from
                          Jalisco.

              BOB:        The word Jalisco means "sandy
                          plain" in Spanish.

              STEPHANIE:  I didn't know that.

              BOB:        Here's something else you
                          probably didn't know: Those are
                          real border patrol officers
                          chasing the Mexicans.

              SFX: GUN FIRE

              STEPHANIE:  It's clever how the ones climbing
                          under the fence get away.

              BOB:        This next float is entitled
                          "Bailout."  Sponsored by the big
                          three American automakers, it
                          depicts an assembly line inside a
                          closed-up factory.

              STEPHANIE:  That large plant in the center
                          is commonly known as the "corpse
                          flower," best known for its scent, which
                          is reminiscent of rotting flesh.

              BOB:        It represents the cars
                          of GM, Ford and Chrysler.

              STEPHANIE:  Its bloom lasts just three or
                          four days and occurs every couple
                          of years -- just like the
                          ingenuity of their chief
                          executives.

              BOB:        On the back of the float is a real
                          family living in boxes coated
                          with apple blossoms, the Michigan
                          state flower.  Standing tall is the
                          union autoworker of tomorrow.
                          His two young children haven't eaten
                          and the foam on their mouths is created
                          with coconut shavings.

              STEPHANIE:  Interestingly, the float is being
                          driven by a 2009 Honda CRV.

              BOB:        Creative and fuel efficient.

              STEPHANIE:  This next float is called
                          "Government Indisposed."
                          Sponsored by the state of
                          Illinois, it features a 20 foot
                          animated likeness of governor
                          Blagojevich emptying his bowels
                          into an oversized replica of
		        Abraham Lincoln's hat.

              BOB:        Every ten seconds, the figure
                          stands up, wipes his "arse" -- as
                          the British would say -- and sits
                          back down.

              STEPHANIE:  The toilet paper was created from
                          white Rose petals.  If you look
                          closely, you can actually see the
                          words of the Illinois state
                          constitution written on them.

              BOB:        Amazing detail.

              STEPHANIE:  Maybe that's why it won the
                          judge's award for "Best use of
                          Subtlety."