Cindy McCain to Hubby: Win or I’m Out

The wife of presidential candidate John McCain has given the senator an ultimatum: Either he wins the election in November, or she’s seeking a divorce.

“I’m an attractive, younger woman, with plenty of ‘hot years’ left in her,” said Cindy McCain. “A woman like me doesn’t commit herself to a shlumpy, pile of skin like John because of his sex appeal.”

The senator’s wife is holding him to an alleged promise he made when he proposed to her, that one day he would be President of the United States. “That’s a binding contract,” she said, “and one in which I intend to enforce.”

“I know I’m not a lot to look at,” said Senator McCain, “but the years of abuse I spent in a Vietnam prison prepared me to be a devoted husband. Commander-in-Chief or not, I don’t know where else she will find that type of experience.”

“I’m not Michelle Obama,” Ms. McCain told an unidentified associate. “I am not in this for the long haul; I want to live in the White House. If old Iron Balls wants to continue getting fellated on a daily basis, he’d better beat the Democrats in the general election.”

Senator McCain brushed off his wife’s ranting as “campaign rhetoric.”

“Call it what he wants,” said Ms. McCain. “If he wants me to keep my oral agreement, then I expect him to keep his.”

Calls to Senator McCain’s office have gone unreturned.

An attorney for Bill Clinton, however, is reviewing the McCain agreement to see if it’s enforceable by anyone living in the White House.