Tell-All Book Trashes William Henry Harrison Administration
A new biography hitting bookstore shelves on Friday paints a dim portrait of President William Henry Harrison.
Skunk Classics
Booger Stem Cells Show Promise
SANTA CLARITA, CA — Researchers at College of the Canyons have released results to a study suggesting that human boogers may contain stem cells with similar regenerative qualities to those of embryos.
Employment Up for Stupid People
Employment among imbeciles and morons rose 10% in the 2nd quarter of 2009, according to a new report released today by the U.S. Bureau of Statistics.
Goodwill Bans Donations from Man with Bad Taste
OKALHOMA CITY — An information technology consultant was banned for life by Goodwill Industries from donating any more of his “crap.”
Roman Polanski: ‘I Thought She Was 13-and-a-Half’
ZURICH — Director Roman Polanski defended his 1977 rape of a 13-year-old model by expressing his belief that she was 13-and-a-half at the time.
New Pepsi Beverage Made from Tuna and Beans
PURCHASE, NY — Banking on consumers so unquenched they’ll drink anything, PepsiCo announced today production of a new carbonated beverage made from refried beans and tuna fish.
Pie Donations Down at Clown Colleges
Despite the growing demand, donations of cream-filled pies are down 65% at clown colleges across the U.S.
Tell-All Book Claims ‘Onion’ Articles Made-Up
NEW YORK — A book scheduled for release next week claims The Onion makes up all its stories just to get a laugh.
Suicide Note Reveals Poor Grammar
RAMSDELL, MO — A suicide note left by a local man demonstrated a remarkably poor understanding of syntax and grammar, according to authorities.
Imaginary Friend ODs on Placebos
Four-year-old Billy Tipton’s best friend — an imaginary owl named Scabooboo — ovedosed last night on an entire make-believe bottle of placebos.
