Republicans Seek to Draft Corpse of Jesse Helms to Run in Presidential Primaries
Republican officials are trying to persuade the corpse of the late Senator Jesse Helms to enter the presidential primary race.
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Kadafi Dead; Gaddafi and Qaddafi Still at Large
Although Libyan rebels captured and killed dictator Moammar Kadafi, the U.S. government has issued a reminder that Muammer Qaddafi and Moammar Gaddafi are still at large.
Romney, Perry to Settle Differences in Naked Mud Wrestling Match
HOUSTON — GOP presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Gov. Rick Perry will settle their political differences by participating in a naked mud wrestling match to be televised live on the Discovery Channel next Wednesday.
Herman Cain Proposes Running Country Only During Business Hours
In order to operate the United States in a more efficient manner, Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain today proposed new business hours for the country.
Pizza Execs Never Heard of Herman Cain
Executives from the Nebraska-based restaurant chain issued a statement Friday denying that Cain ever worked for their company.
Pizza Delivery Boy Retiring from Adult Film Industry
CANOGA PARK, CA — A local pizza delivery boy told reporters yesterday he is tired of walking onto the set of a porno film whenever he makes a home delivery.
Herman Cain Predicts Country will Mourn his Death More than Steve Jobs
“I’m not discounting Mr. Jobs for inventing the iPhone and iPad — those are very useful items,” said Cain, “but I was the one who came up with the pepperoni and sausage value pie for 6.99.”
iPad 4 Will Have Screen as Large as Six Football Fields
Apple announced today the release of the fourth generation of its successful tablet computer.
Zombies No Longer Required to Extend Arms Out in Front
AMSTERDAM — In a reversal on a policy that dates back over 1300 years, Zombies are no longer required to lift and hold their arms outstretched in front of themselves.
House Votes to Extend Hatred of Obama for Six Months
Congress approved legislation this morning that would extend the GOP’s hatred of President Obama for another six months.
